Mesa Done a Bombad Ting

A fifty-two-point comparative analysis of why Jar Jar Binks rules.

I always assumed Star Wars was the great nerd unifier—something we can all agree is “dope,” and that sparks friendly discussion. Yet when I unironically say that Episode I is my favorite movie in the series, all brotherly love gets thrown right out the window. (I’ve honestly lost count of how many times Jon has threatened to quit the podcast.) What’s worse, when I don’t profess an undying hate towards a certain Gungan, I’m written off as some troll!

Well, all that ends today. Today, I make my case for why everyone else is wrong.

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The Process & Rules

Rewatch the film and take good notes. I wanted to go into this exercise fresh. I’ve seen this movie dozens of times, but I was curious if viewing it through this new set of guidelines would give me a different take. I’m notoriously bad at taking notes, but this assignment required it. I set my millennial attention span aside and sebulba’d deep. Sebulba’d… he’s a dug. Dug deep? Boy, this is going to be a long article.

Include every named character with a speaking role. Originally, this was going to be a simple article about how Jar Jar can hang with the main cast. In true Tyler fashion, I went overboard and expanded the roster by a smidge. Every single character—all fifty-two of them—gets a note and a color. I’ll let you figure out whether red or green means good or bad. If you happen to be color-blind, good news: you might be generally less angry about this write-up.

Focus on comparison, not a holistic commentary. I have a Gungan to defend. My arguments need to remain laser-focused on how everything ties back to Jar Jar. (If you want something equally serious but on a different topic, check out Ethan’s article.)

Only use facts from the first movie. I’m only using events and interactions from Episode I. No sequels or expanded lore here, and I’ll handle every argument in the comments with this in mind.

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The Comparisons

Qui-Gon Jinn

Qui-Gon is a defiant, sneaky, selfish, degenerate gambler and blackmailer, and an overall terrible role model. Oh, and he’s sorta like “okay” with slavery. Quite frankly, he’s the polar opposite of Jar Jar. So the burning question is: why does he show up as green? Well, he saved the Gungan’s life, and that’s gotta count for something.

Nute Gunray

I have no idea what the average testicle size of a Neimoidian is (or whether they even have testicles), but Nute’s have to be enormous. Yet despite his cockiness, he’s led around like a dumb lamb throughout the movie. You really have to wonder how he became viceroy in the first place. If he had been a natural shot caller like a certain Gungan and trusted his instincts, he might’ve seen a different outcome on Naboo.

Author’s note: I swear I’ve seen this guy before…

TC-14

Snitches get stitches. I don’t know who programmed the droids in this movie to be so conniving, but to tell your guests they’re at their service and then immediately trigger an assassination attempt is crazy. You know who’s genuine? Jar Jar Binks.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

This guy is a complete jerk. Not only does he constantly question and talk back to Qui-Gon, but he’s genuinely awful to kids and non-humans, calling them “pathetic life forms.” He can fight, I’ll give him that, but maybe if he fought a little better, he’d still have a master. Meanwhile, there isn’t a planet Jar Jar is on where he isn’t rubbing shoulders with the locals and being his normal, friendly self. When it comes to movement, I’d love to see Obi-Wan pull off a perfect front-flip pike dive.

Daultay Dofine

It’s a tough break to be the one who questions and/or cries to the most powerful being in the movie. It’s even tougher when that being calls you a “stunted slime” and bans you from all future conference calls. Jar Jar, on the other hand, went from outcast to General in under two hours.

Sidious

No idea who this mysterious guy is, but he’s scary as heck. Having such control over the Senate to make illegal things legal, puppeteering a federation, and orchestrating a friggen planet invasion?! Strings can’t be the only pulls. Speaking of pulling, how were there zero Gungan females in this film? Poor Jar Jar.

Antidar Williams

When your one line is right before you’re blown to smithereens, it’s hard to think of you as anything but incompetent. Sure, the Trade Federation betrayed them, but there’s gotta be some kind of entry in the Coruscant pilot’s handbook that says to keep your head on a swivel or expect the unexpected. At the very least, Jar Jar could’ve taught him how to adapt on the fly… y’know, had Williams lived long enough to meet him.

Author’s note: I swear I’ve seen this guy before…

Maoi Madakor

You know what’s worse than getting one-shotted with your pants down? Not even looking in the right direction when it happens. How pissed do you think Maoi was that she had to tell Antidar to put the shields up? Luckily for Jar Jar, he had competent squadmates.

OWO-1

It’s weird to think of droids as scaredy-cats, but that’s exactly what OWO-1 is. Sending his corporal into the gassed room to search for the two Jedi is pure cowardice. I’m not saying Jar Jar wasn’t scared; in fact, he had plenty of fears throughout the movie. The difference is he faced and overcame every one.

Tey How

The only Neimoidian on the Trade Federation ship who kept things moving—literally, they were the pilot. Controlling droids and monitoring the ventilation shafts, I’m sure what Nute paid them was criminal. Similarly, Jar Jar led his ground forces with the same dedication.

Rune Haako

If I had ten credits for every time a Neimoidian tried to chicken out of their blockade, I’d be able to buy everyone on this list a blue milk. Haako is no different. If they had half the courage of Jar Jar… well… they’d still get their asses beat because they’d only have half the courage. Never mind, bad example.

Padmé Amidala

Oh nooo! The crybaby child predator who is more than willing to sacrifice thousands of Gungans just to keep her precious throne. This is going to be such a hard comparison! Pass.

Sheev Palpatine

Politician. Honestly, that’s all I should have to say about someone like this, and you’d get a general idea of how awful they are in the movie. With people like him, it’s no wonder Sidious has such an easy time controlling the Senate. Luckily, Jar Jar doesn’t get weighed down by all the sneaky collusion.

Quarsh Panaka

What a boss. Panaka is the guard Padmé doesn’t deserve. He never sits, stays alert, and fights well. He has no problem speaking his mind and offering sound advice—even when it goes against a Jedi—and he even explains basic politics to Bibble (shocker). Jar Jar could learn a thing or two about being more assertive from this hunk of a man.

Sio Bibble

Politician. (See how easy it is?) This guy oozes ‘fraidy cat vibes. Not only does he get captured almost instantly, but his taste in dresses sucks. He and Jar Jar both had to have politics explained to them, but the difference is that’s literally Bibble’s job.

OWO-9

There’s an argument that OWO-9 is actually the biggest hero of Episode I. He was remarkably undefeated in every engagement he led, all the way up to capturing the friggen queen. He was the only character in the entire movie who almost beat our favorite Gungan. Luckily, Jar Jar had the foresight to “give up,” buying his army enough time for the droid command center to shut down without additional casualties—pure genius.

Roos Tarpals

He’s the Gungan equivalent of Quarsh Panaka: a skilled fighter with a strong sense of duty. He may not have understood every detail of Jar Jar’s advanced battlefield tactics, but he’s a capable enough soldier to go along with him—and emerge victorious.

Rugor Nass

A weak-minded, easily influenced Boss Nass has had it out for Jar Jar from the very beginning. Putting Jar Jar in the vanguard against the droid army while he himself is nowhere to be found during the battle? Disgusting. Oh, and he looks like a Temu version of Earl Sneed Sinclair (that’s the dad from Dinosaurs, for anyone under 35).

2163

This droid’s sarcasm chip is on point. For humor, he’s right up there with Jar Jar. Sadly, he’s on screen for fewer seconds than his designated name.

Sabé

At least this fake queen treated a nine-year-old boy correctly (as in she barely paid him attention). In many ways, Sabé was more regal than pouty-face Padmé. Plus, she could fool Jedi, and she was in the thick of the fighting during the palace battle. Like Jar Jar, she didn’t shirk her responsibilities.

G8-R3

The film’s true droid hero. When the shield generator was hit, G8-R3 was the first to jump into action and respond to the emergency—but still found time to give Jar Jar a quick hello, matching the Gungan’s constant friendliness. While repairing, he witnessed two of his brothers get blasted into dust right next to him, but he kept working, doing his job and ultimately sacrificing his life to save the ship’s crew.

Ric Olié

Everything Panaka is on the ground; Ric is in the sky. A knowledgeable, capable soldier who does his duty and keeps people safe. Seems always happy to chat with whoever is around him, just like Jar Jar.

R2-D2

The complete opposite of G8-R3. R2 is a rude droid who did nothing during the shield generator crisis yet claimed all the credit. Not only did he ignore Jar Jar before going to repair it, but he also let G8 do all the work without helping until the poor droid was blasted. Then R2 plugged in the final cable, and somehow that made him the hero? He should be ashamed, but I’m sure that’s not in his programming.

Watto

Watto is a defiant, sneaky, selfish, degenerate gambler and blackmailer, and is a big fan of slavery. Sounds a lot like someone else we know. Unlike Qui-Gon, though, he didn’t save Jar Jar’s life and doesn’t get a pass.

Anakin Skywalker

Sand. Slavery. Crap friends. Moving away from your home. Nothing can phase this guy! I don’t think there was a single moment when he wasn’t a bright-eyed, pleasant kiddo. Even makes single-handedly crushing his enemies look effortless in the final battle. Reminds you of a lovable Gungan, doesn’t it?

Gragra

Yes, Gragra is just a shopkeeper making her way in the universe, but maybe if she offered free samples, her business would do better. Just sayin’. Jar Jar was trying to offer friendly entrepreneurial advice.

Sebulba

A despicable cheat—he’s lucky Jar Jar has patience and grace and knows how to de-escalate situations with bullies, or else he’d be the one turned into bantha poodoo.

Jira

Not sure it’s a superpower to say her old bones felt bad weather. Most people could just use their not-old eyes and see a sandstorm blowing in. I would like to call out Jar Jar’s extreme hardiness, though. Imagine living in an underwater city and swamp your whole life, then just prancing around a desert unbothered.

Shmi Skywalker

I try not to be the parent that judges other parents, but do I really have to spell out how letting a NINE-YEAR-OLD drive in one of the most dangerous races around isn’t okay? Not to mention the fact that I saw zero tears from her when Anakin left with Qui-Gon. Jar Jar at least showed emotion when he was banished.

C-3PO

A droid can sometimes be judged by the company it keeps. Palling around with R2-D2 was maybe the worst idea Threepio could’ve had. Ten minutes after being introduced, he’s already talking smack about Jar Jar behind his back. Meanwhile, Jar Jar is busy keeping people safe by demonstrating why you want to stay away from podracers’ energy binders.

Maul

Putting aside the fact that he loses every fight he engages in throughout the movie—kip up to kip up—Maul doesn’t hold a candle to Jar Jar’s graceful moves.

Kitster Banai

A true friend. Sure, he gives a little ribbing, but what bestie doesn’t? He easily matches Jar Jar’s optimism and positive attitude and has no qualms about looking silly dancing around in public.

Wald

I almost gave Wald a pass since he showed up to the podrace and cheered Anakin on. But you know what? I don’t want to reward fair-weather fans. Especially when you have characters like Jar Jar who support their friends no matter what.

Amee

I’m pretty sure I’ve already noted Jar Jar’s genuineness, so I’m just going to point to Amee’s braces and call her what she is. A poser. She’s clearly well-off and can’t be trusted. Hope it makes you feel fortunate to be hanging around in Slaves Quarters Row. I don’t care if you’re secretly related to the movie’s director.

Melee

Telling someone passionate about racing that his pride and joy is “never gonna run” is plain rude. Anakin needs new friends. Thank goodness he has Jar Jar.

Seek

This kid is a dick. Jar Jar is not a dick. There. Comparison complete.

Fodesinbeed Annodue

It might be offensive to someone, but I’m going to count these guys as one character. They do a great job hyping up the crowd, but saying they come anywhere close to the level Jar Jar inspires is just silly.

Jabba Desilijic

The dude just can’t be bothered. Well, neither can I. This guy sucks and slept through one of the movie’s coolest parts. Jar Jar watched every second.

Ben Quadinaros

I promised myself I would only use the information shown in the movie. That said, this guy is a joke and couldn’t even get off the starting line. Jar Jar could’ve literally outrun him.

Ody Mandrell

For having an award-winning pit crew, Ody sure has to be embarrassed that they’re the reason he gets knocked out of the podrace. Maybe if he had Jar Jar’s adaptation skills, he would’ve figured something else out.

Niai Fieso

Jar Jar was busy trying to help Gragra with her business. Sadly, he didn’t have time to help this stadium vendor. Maybe in another galaxy…

Ki-Adi-Mundi

A scummy politician. He was quick to point out that the Sith have been gone for a millennium, even though a Jedi Knight told him otherwise. He also jabbed at Anakin for loving his mom. Not cool, bro. Meanwhile, Jar Jar rolled with every lore drop, showing excessive grace and dedication, and was super kind to Annie.

Author’s note: I swear I’ve seen this guy before…

Mace Windu

A scummy politician. This is the human version of Jabba; he can’t be bothered. He seemed so tired and agitated that Qui-Gon wanted them to meet a child. Heaven forbid he crosses paths with the Chosen One. Seriously, for Jedi Masters, these dweebs seem clueless about what’s going on. Jar Jar is at least helpful if not insightful.

Yoda

A slightly less scummy politician, but it could just be the cute muppet factor creeping in. This is supposed to be the head hancho. The big cheese, and yet he admits everything is “clouded.” Nope, that’s dementia, grandpa. Time to make way for the new generation. Also, what’s with all this backward talk? He should learn a thing or two about speech from Jar Jar.

Finis Valorum

A scummy politician and professional Jor-El cosplayer. Valorum comes across as a tired idiot who gets bullied far too often unless Mas Amedda saves him. He is the very definition of someone with a stick up their bum—if he loosened up a bit like Jar Jar, he would probably be better liked.

Lott Dod

A scummy politician. It’s hard to give any nod to someone whose sole purpose in the film is to say “nu-uh” in the Senate when accused of invasion. Double negative points for all the corporate speak. Jar Jar at least speaks plainly, and yanno… didn’t invade anyone.

Author’s note: I swear I’ve seen this guy before…

Aks Moe

A scummy politician. Corporate speak. I’m sensing a pattern. Yuck.

Mas Amedda

I almost gave him credit for defending his papa when Queen Amadala sucker-punched Valorum in the Senate. But then I remembered they’re all scummy politicians… so… nope. But hey! That was the last one!

Jerus Jannick

Oh, Jerus. You glorified locked door. This guy has no problem acting all tough, keeping Anakin out of the queen’s dressing room, but the moment the fighting for Naboo starts? He’s nowhere to be seen. Do I even have to mention again that Jar Jar was on the front lines?

Rabé Tonsort

On the one hand, she was basically Toad, telling Anakin that the princess is in another castle. Yet, she was also a badass fighter who helped take back the planet of Naboo. See, Jerus?! Do you see the difference?!

Arven Wendik

The first of two unremarkable pilots. By rights, I should be calling this guy “Bravo Pilot 3” according to the movie’s credits, but I digress. He saw Anakin blow up the station and get out of dodge, so I guess he was closer to the action than Dineé, though still meh. Pick any of Jar Jar’s previous battlefield comparisons and insert here. I’m tired.

Dineé Ellberger

Dineé is the equivalent of that one friend who plays paintball with you but hangs out in the back and never really sees any of the action, yet celebrates when the star player wins the match for the team. She acknowledges the fighters straight ahead and then… nothing. Jar Jar took down a friggen tank.